Simon Checks Out
by Save Fearow
Summary: Simon the Monster Hunter was having an off day, until 2 strangers showed him kindness.


Simon Checks Out

an Aaaah! Real Monsters Fanfic

by Save Fearow

Author's Note: The inspiration behind this story was to show that Simon is a man with many problems, and he could solve most of those if he stopped hunting monsters. If they ever managed to catch sight of Simon when he's off-the-clock, I think certain monsters would be sympathetic towards the kind of life he leads.

Most mornings Simon got up, planned how he would capture those loathsome monsters and show THE WORLD how great and impressive he was, then ate a light supper, liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. But not today, because today he had errands to run. Simon kicked off his fuzzy slippers, and pulled on his favorite pair of blue jeans. They went so nicely with his yellow zippered pull-over and light brown bomber jacket. He was looking so sharp today, the ladies were sure to stand up and take notice (particularly Miss Verdoff, that perky redheaded reporter. They'd had some great interviews together, before he blurted out "Why settle for a single hot scoop? I'll make yours a double!" and she slapped him with a restraining order.)

No, this was going to be a day when he, Simon the Monster Hunter, truly made his mark on the world. He grabbed a thermos of coffee, chugged it appreciatively, then noticed that he'd dribbled some on the front of his shirt. Too late to change it, he had to get to the Super Save 'n Shop before they discontinued the Early Morning Specials. Simon flung the door wide open, and in his haste, stepped directly onto a pile of dog doo. "Yuck!" Simon tried to scrape his shoe off on a piece of garbage, only to realize what he thought was litter was actually the morning paper. He guessed he wouldn't be solving THIS morning's crossword puzzle.

With a frustrated groan, he hopped into his Jeep. Of course, the upholstery was too hot from sitting in the sun, and he burned himself slightly as he entered the vehicle. He tried to buckle his seatbelt, and got his finger pinched for the effort. At least the key turned in the ignition, no problem. Simon tried to put one of his favorite Ella Fitzgerald cassettes into the tape deck, but it got caught and he ended up with cassette ribbon spilling onto his feet. Well, maybe he didn't NEED a soundtrack today. Things already seemed depressing enough without music.

Although, it would have been nice if he could drown out the roar of traffic. Some extensive construction was going on, and Simon had to keep following detours and doubling-back to stay on his planned route. He was glad he'd installed the GPS device, even if it hadn't netted him any monsters, it still led him to the Super Save 'n Shop parking lot. Most of the good places were already taken, but he saw a good spot up front, and slid into it. Okay, the left front tire was slanted slightly and crossed over into the next spot, but it wasn't like anyone was watching him and was going to take points off his license, right?

Simon scowled as he walked towards the shopping carts. This stupid store always required the customers to leave a quarter as deposit before they could take a cart. He reached into his wallet and dug out his special Washington Bicentennial Quarter. He was going to get it back after the shopping trip anyway, and he could use a little luck. But when he tried to place the quarter in the slot, it slipped through his fingers and rolled towards a storm drain. Simon chased after it, but he'd never been a very good runner, and the coin vanished from his sight. "Stupid, stupid, stupid! Could this day get any worse?" he grumbled. As if in reply, another shopper stomped on his foot as she headed for the door. She was wearing very spiky heels, too.

Simon continued to glower as he pushed his cart through the aisles. Most of the good stuff was already gone, but he spied a jar of Spiffy's Ultra-Super Chunky Peanut Butter, his favorite snack whenever he pulled an All-Night Monster Watch. Simon reached for it, but his hand was swatted away by some crazy lady's purse.

"How dare you?!" she threatened Simon, while snatching away the highly-valued Spiffy jar.

"How dare I? I'm not the one hitting people with purses! You have a serious problem with anger, I know! It's one of the things they go over in court-mandated therapy!" Simon called after her. The woman ignored him, and he was forced to buy a jar of the far-inferior store brand. And they didn't even have any marshmallow fluff to go with it, he was stuck with some boring raspberry jam, although it was still better than marmalade, ugh. The rest of his purchases didn't go much better. The Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs cereal had stopped packaging the secret decoder rings inside the box. The new toy barely even qualified as a prize, it was just a rub-on tattoo for some girly cartoon. Super Shop 'n Save had raised the price of liver again, but at least the beans were an Early Morning Special. He spent a long time examined the wine shelf, before choosing as many bottles as he could carry.

He stood in line behind a rather obese man, effectively blocking him from browsing any of the magazines displayed along the check-out lane. He really wanted to know if today was lucky for Virgos, too! Surely he was due for SOME good news. Finally, the clerk rung up his purchases. "That'll be $47.95 sir." she deadpanned. "And I'll need to see ID for the wine."

"But the beans were on special!" Simon argued.

"They were, until 11 o'clock. Now they're full price." insisted the clerk.

"Come on, it's only 5 minutes late! Can't you let it slide?" Simon wheedled.

"Store policy. And I'm still waiting on that ID." the woman insisted.

Simon flipped through his wallet again. "I must've left it at home." he realized. "But you can still sell them to me. It's obvious that I'm an adult!"

She shook her head. "It's obvious that you are trying to circumnavigate store policy. I can take the wine bottles off your total bill, that's all." the clerk stated matter-of-factly.

"Fine! Whatever gets me to leave faster." growled Simon.

"Amen." the woman muttered. "Without the wine, your new total is $8.43 sir."

Simon dug out 8 singles, and a handful of change. "I got $8.37, is there any way you could spot me a little?" he asked sheepishly.

The clerk sighed, and placed 6 pennies from the take-a-penny bowl into the register. "That comes out of MY salary." she angrily informed him. "Please just go. Thank you for shopping at Super Save 'n Shop but remember you have other options!"

Simon's face fell. He had been trying to gather the courage to ask the lady out, but now he found he had changed his mind. At least he could go home soon, once he got into his Jeep things would be a lot better... except the Jeep wasn't there. "What happened to my car?" Simon screamed.

An elderly man grinned wickedly at him. "Are you the thoughtless jerk who parked across handicapped spaces?" he inquired.

"Yes, I'm that jerk!" Simon admitted.

"Cops came and took it away, not 10 minutes ago." the man informed him. "Maybe next time you'll think about other people's needs. I can't believe I went to Vietnam for punks like you." he spat a wad of tobacco on Simon's shoe (the one without the dog doo on the bottom, of course.)

"Well that is just great! How am I s'posed to get home?" Simon pondered sarcastically. "Nobody walks downtown, that's just begging for trouble!" He stood there cursing bitterly for almost half an hour. All the customers kept walking past him, oblivious to Simon's woes. He was about to grab his grocery bag and attempt the journey anyway when he noticed 2 people rapidly approaching him. One was a handsome, if slightly broad-chested, man in his mid-thirties striding confidently. The man seemed a bit over-dressed in a 3-piece suit (and the tailoring was horrible, the sleeves completely covered his hands) but he looked to be having a good time nonetheless. Alongside him, a short bespectacled boy keep running back-and-forth jabbering excitedly, while balancing a box of produce from the store. Simon could see that the kid was wearing a batting helmet, and had on a lightweight Yankees windbreaker over one of those Batman graphic tees. The cuffs on the boy's jeans were rolled up, revealing a pair of well-worn Converse sneakers.

"Wow! I can't believe you showed that lady a plastic card an' she just GAVE you all'a them tomatos! This is enough for the whole team!" the boy declared.

"Glad you liked it. Using a credit card is nothing special, Ricky, I just didn't want to break a twenty." the man answered. He noted the puzzled look on the boy's face and added "Old saying. I'll explain it later. S'cuse me sir, we need to get through here and... what's wrong? You look pretty upset."

"Of course I'm upset! My entire day is ruined, all because some stupid cops towed my car away!" snapped Simon.

"That's a shame. I parked my Fairlane over here, you need a ride back downtown? I promise I'll get you home in a hurry." the man vowed. The boy's eyes widened in shock, and he tugged furiously on the man's pant leg. "Ricky, please. I'm not trying to ignore you, but I'm having a conversation with this gentleman right now. I'll talk to you in a moment."

"Go ahead and answer the brat. I don't care if you leave, everyone always does." Simon grumbled.

The man looked apologetic. "Sorry, sir. He's a good kid, but a little impatient. I'm Paul Lasting, and that's my nephew, Ricky Redford." he greeted Simon cheerfully.

"It's a heroic name." Ricky interjected.

"Simon D. Hunter." Simon held out his hand. Paul shook it very quickly, and it surprised Simon a bit that such a gregarious man would have so cold a handshake. Well maybe he had bought some frozen food recently or held a cool drink. Simon wished he still had wine to look forward to.

"Pleasure to make your acquaintance, Simon." Paul smiled broadly. "If you'll just wait a second, so I can talk to Ricky in private, we'll give you a lift home."

Simon shrugged. "Whatever. It's not like I've got anything to lose at this point." he decided.

Paul and Ricky walked a short distance away. "Ickis, you can't be rude to strangers. Humans will think you haven't been brought up properly. Some of them can be very critical of children." Plastoog claimed.

"But Plastoog, that WAS Simon, the most dangerous Monster Hunter in New York!" Ickis moaned. "And you just promised we'd help him!"

Plastoog looked horrified. "Dang. That really poisons the pond-scum. Sorry to get you into this mess, kid, but no self respecting monster would ever break a promise." Plastoog stated unhappily.

"I know." Ickis concurred. "We'll do what we told him. But if he tries to turn my ears into saddlebags or something, you're gonna have to answer to my Dad."

"Then I'll have to keep you safe for certain. I don't want the Great Slickis upset with me." acknowledged Plastoog.

"He's really fierce. Nobody messes with Dad." Ickis asserted proudly. He turned and followed Plastoog back to where Simon stood waiting in the parking lot.

Paul grinned weakly as he waved to get Simon's attention. "Didn't keep you waiting too long, did we? Why don't you tell me where the address is, and I'll unlock the car. You can sit in the passenger seat, Ricky will be in back with the groceries."

"So not fair!" Ricky retorted. "He might change the radio station!"

"It's in Murray Hill, east 38th and Lexington." supplied Simon. "And I hate to disappoint you kid, but there is no way I'm listening to the hip-hop Nautical Natures or whatever the heck it is you're into."

"Naughty by Nature." Ricky corrected. "And I can pick up -those- stations downtown. Um, on my headphones. It's not like I could get radio signals with just my ears, that would be crazy. Heh heh."

Paul struggled to keep a straight face as he climbed into the Fairlane. "Hop in, Simon. We listen to the blues whenever we go cruising." he explained.

Simon clambered into his seat with ease. "I wouldn't mind a little blues. If I'm lucky, Jim Belushi will be playing." Simon stated hopefully.

"Billy Vera's better." argued Ricky as he sat down in back, adjusted the tomatos to balance better on his lap, and arranged the remaining groceries beside himself.

"That old guy still around? I always considered him a one-hit wonder." Simon admitted.

"No way! His biggest hit was probly 'At This Moment' but what about 'I Can Take Care Of Myself' and 'With Pen In Hand'? Plus he was a songwriter beforehand, for Fats Domino, Ricky Nelson, an' even The Remains!" Ricky retorted. "Billy Vera performed the 'Empty Nest' theme song too, that means he was on TV! You can't get any better than that!"

"TV's not so great." Simon grumbled. "They all laugh at you, and the intrepid females think you're some sort of joke. Who needs it!"

"I think TV's alright in moderation." Paul contributed, as he carefully merged into traffic. "Problems only happen when you start to build your whole life around it."

"I -built- a TV!" Ricky announced brightly. "But our teacher made me dismantle it, because it was too distracting for the class."

Simon scoffed. "You did not build a TV. You're not old enough to be an electrical engineer. You probly just imagined the whole thing."

"I'm not a liar!" Ricky hollered. "I've done lots of things that nobody knows about, things that were too smart or brave or amazing to be revealed. My Dad always told me not to brag, usually before launching an acceptance speech for another trophy, talk about mixed messages."

"All parents are masters at that." Simon groused. "Mine always told me I had to make them proud, but then they never even showed up for my bocce ball tournament! How can I prove my greatness if I'm not even given a chance?"

"Sounds rough." agreed Paul.

"And it didn't end with childhood, oh no! I always thought that once I grew up, life would be one big bowl of cherries. Instead, all I get is the pits! Do you know the kind of day I had? Lousy, just like ALL the rest. I spilled coffee on myself, walked out the door and stepped in dog doo, then smeared it all over the newspaper. And don't even get me started on the traffic jam I had to go through just to get to the store. So much stupid, stupid construction and detours you can't get around! I dropped a quarter into a sewer drain just trying to unlock the shopping cart. That was my lucky quarter, too! I had it in my wallet the day I almost caught a monster. They're REAL you know. And someday I'm gonna prove it!" Simon roared.

Ricky slunk back in his seat. "Can we talk about something a little less terrifying?" he asked nervously.

"Sorry kid. You shouldn't let the monsters scare you. The one I've encountered the most, this creepy rabbit-like creature, I strongly suspect he's a coward. But I'd still rather deal with HIM than face those shoppers again. One lady swung her purse at me just because I reached for the peanut butter jar she wanted!" complained Simon.

"Be glad she didn't have pepper spray." Ricky shuddered at the memory.

"I've been maced a few times. You build up a tolerance." Simon insisted. "But I WON'T tolerate rude customer service. I was only 5 minutes late for the special, it still should have counted. And I -would- have had exact change if it weren't for the missing quarter. And then just to add insult to injury, they towed my car! If they didn't want people to park across 2 handicapped spots they wouldn't put them right next to the door!"

"Sounds like you had a bad day. Happens to all of us. Once, I got my tie stuck in a paper shredder, down at the office. Fred got me out of it by unplugging the machine, but he HAD to go and get his camera first. For 2 weeks, I was the wallpaper on his computer!" recalled Paul.

"I can top that!" Ricky volunteered. "One time, I had an entire week of horrible fates befall me. Bee stings, red-hot tar, stink bombs, insulting signs glued to my body, firecrackers set to explode in my face, a dunking in freezing water, and I -still- caught the creep who planned everything before he could pull a knife on anyone, brought him to the teacher's office an' NOBODY thanked me for it!"

"Kids can be cruel. You did the right thing in standing up to a bully." Simon informed him.

"He wasn't a kid, he was an adult." Ricky clarified.

"Even worse. You were smart in getting the authorities involved. Child Protective Services won't always come the first, second, or even 35th time you call them, but eventually they'll go to your house and get your parents to stop beating you." Simon vowed.

"I was talking about a real jerk, not my father. Dad's not anything like that." Ricky insisted. "He would never resort to violence against another mon- I mean, human. I don't think I've ever HEARD him yell at anyone either. He just keeps telling me what I oughtta do, then waits until I buckle down and do it. Dad's always nice to me, he's just really, really busy so I don't see him much."

"He should make time for you more. A good parent wouldn't try to hoist his kid off on another relative." Simon declared.

Ricky frowned. "I'm here today with Uncle Paul because I -wanted- to be. I'm perfectly fine, all on my own." claimed Ricky.

"Riiight. So was I." Simon lied. "Even when I spent my 16th birthday all alone, that was fine by me!"

"Just one birthday? My Dad's been to less than half of mine. It's too sad a memory for him, without Mom he... he can't be happy all'a time. Last year, I pretended to have an ear infection just so he wouldn't feel he had to say or do anything. I told him I'd sleep it off an' he should go fishing somewhere, but I don't know if he followed through with that, he was gone all day at any rate." Ricky acknowledged glumly.

"That's... pretty lousy Ricky." Simon commiserated.

"I was thinking, maybe this year I could pick another day, and we would have a real party. Bo Diddley was born on December 30th, that's always during winter break, maybe Dad and I could get together then? Is that a dumb idea?" Ricky wondered aloud.

"One of the best I've heard all day." Simon assured him.

"We're here." Paul announced as he pulled into Simon's driveway. "Be careful getting out, I think your neighbor's dog left another present on the lawn."

Simon groaned. "People are so irresponsible with their pets. Why would you get an animal and not care for it?"

"Maybe you'd be a more responsible owner. I've heard that having a pet is very beneficial. If nothing else, it would make life less lonely." Paul offered.

"Never thought about it before." Simon admitted. "It might be kind of nice to keep a rabbit locked up, serve as an example to the monster world."

Ricky cringed. "Rabbits don't do well in captivity." he protested. "You should get something slower and completely non-threatening. Like a turtle."

"I could train it to be an attack ninja!" cackled Simon. "Monsters would think twice before facing off against Donatello, ha ha!"

Paul and Ricky looked at each other and shrugged. "Good luck with that." allowed Paul. "Have a nice afternoon, Simon."

"Sure, sure. Same to you. Paul, I was wondering, you wanna exchange e-mails? Mine is puteminacage and I'm on facebook. I've only got 12 friend requests so far, and all of them want to play HassleVille. I hate that game!" Simon professed.

"I'm paperthindisguise , but I mostly just use the account for work." Paul told him. "Mr. Cohen, our boss, doesn't like us to overuse social media."

"Nobody lets ME use e-mail, but I can't imagine why!" Ricky exclaimed. "I wanna join one of the superhero chat rooms, they have this one site for that, I think it's called 4-cha..."

"Time to go, Ricky." Paul cut him off. "Say goodbye to the nice fellow."

"G'bye!" the child waved from one of the Fairlane's rear windows. Once they were out of sight, Ickis turned to Plastoog and whispered sadly "I don't think we'll see Simon being a nice guy, never again."

"Never say never, kid." suggested Plastoog as they drove back towards the dump.

~~~The End.

Author's Note: The make and model of Plastoog's car, shown briefly in 'A Friend Indeed', are never revealed in series. Based on the design, I estimated it to be a vintage 60's era Ford Fairlane. Incidentally, that was the kind of car driven by Ward Cleaver (the dad on sitcom classic Leave It To Beaver). Simon has probly had to change vehicles a few times, due to a combination of bad luck and aggressive driving. I think he would gravitate towards Jeeps and other 4-wheel drive vehicles for their off-roading capabilities. You never know when you'll need to chase a monster across town! Reviews are encouraged.


End file.
